Adding a New Baby To The Mix— How to Help the Other Kids Adjust

Having a baby is a beautiful thing. Bringing that little newborn into your home for the first time, taking him out of the car seat, lying him down in the crib you’ve been staring at for the past few months fills your heart with joy when you finally get to see that little sleeping baby inside of it. It’s a magical time for a new mother. You’re living in a little bubble of newborn bliss. But what happens when this is your second or third baby? What happens to that newborn bubble you want to stay inside of? Well its no longer YOUR bubble. It’s everyones. 

Bringing Max home was an amazing feeling. My bigger kids were waiting at home with my parents, anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new baby brother. When they met him for the first time, they were shocked at how small he was and how delicate. They couldn’t wait to hold him and snuggle him and give him a bottle for the first time. Lucy wanted to dress him up all day long and Oliver wanted to fall asleep with him in his arms like a teddy bear. They were inseparable from him for the first few weeks. But as time went on, that newborn bliss bubble started to pop. Max was no longer the cute little baby they’ve waited so many months for. He was now the one stealing all of Mommy’s attention. I was still in my newborn bliss bubble but my kids (my daughter mostly) wasn’t anymore. They still loved him, don’t get me wrong. But after Lucy asked every day, “mommy can you play with me now?” And my answer being, “I’m sorry sweetie, I’m holding the baby” or “I’m nursing the baby” or “I’m changing the baby”..etc. She started to get more and more resentful of that cute little baby she once was so eager to have. 

I didn’t realize it until her attitude finally started to show it. Before Max, SHE was the baby. SHE was the cute one, and SHE was the one getting all of Mommy’s attention. Now this little rascal is stealing all of that from her! 

She started to act out and speak rudely to me. She started crying…a LOT. A lot more than she ever has. She figures, Oh well every time Max cries, Mommy rushes to his side so maybe I should do the same to get her attention. Because, for kids, any attention is good attention. Even if I'm scolding or yelling…its still attention and its good attention in their minds. 

Finally, one of her tantrums popped my newborn bubble and I realized what I was doing to my other kids. I wasn’t meaning to make them feel replaced, but I did it inadvertently. 

So what did I do?

I started making time for JUST them. Granted this was during the time of Covid homeschooling (I’ll talk more about my experience in that in another post) so we had no choice but to be together all day long every day. But giving each child individual attention throughout the day went a long way.  Once Max went for a nap, I had to make sure I sat down and talked with each kid, one-on-one. Maybe it was while I was brushing Lucy’s hair or fixing her makeup or with Oliver, having explain his drawings to me or listening to his dreams from the other night. I needed to find those few moments throughout the day to devote JUST to my other children. It was definitely hard to find those moments while I had a baby dealing with reflux and needing to be in my arms 24/7. But making the effort to devote even just a few minutes of uninterrupted time to my kids one-on-one made all the difference in the world. 

Now, we are still dealing with issues that’s for sure. Lucy is going through an attitude phase where she feels like she can speak to us however she pleases and Oliver is starting to get angry with his sister more and more. So we have been focusing on love lately.

The other night I read them 1 Corinthians 13 and broke down the verse for them.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends.

I explained each verse and word they didn’t understand and now every time they have a bad attitude or they say something to me or their dad or each other, I ask them, “Was that showing love?” And their answer is normally no. then I have them tell me what love is and how they should have rephrased what they said in a loving way.  It’s definitely been helping them realize what they are saying and how their words effect those around them. 

Having a baby is hard. Having a baby with other kids can be even harder. But I’ve found that constant communication is key. 

Helping older siblings cope with the new baby

Here’s the breakdown on what has helped:

• Talk to your kids. Tell them that giving the baby so much attention is very important for him right now and how you did the same thing to them when they were babies.

• Express to them that they are NOT being replaced. That they are still cute and adorable but also they are big and strong and independent and can do a lot of important and amazing things that they couldn’t do before. Reminding them that they don’t have to be a cute little baby to be important, that the unique qualities they possess now is what you love about them.

• Let them hold the baby. I know it can be nerve wracking to let your baby hold your baby because you’re worried they won’t support his head or they will drop him or…the list can go on and on. But this is seriously the best way for them to bond with their new little sibling. If you can have them do skin to skin with the baby, that’s even BETTER! It builds a bond like none other.

• Have them HELP!! The best thing I did with all of my kids is telling them that he “is YOUR baby”. When Oliver was two and I had Lucy, I constantly told him throughout my pregnancy and after she was born that she was HIS special baby and it was his very important job to look after her. He took that role VERY seriously and has always cared so deeply for his little sister, they have had such a beautiful relationship. So this time around, I said the same thing, that Max is HIS special baby and HER special baby and that it is their special job to look after him and care for him. And they do. Having them help with diaper changes, getting a bottle ready, putting baby’s clothes on, giving him a bath, etc. are all things the older siblings can help with and that will let them feel more needed and more of an important role rather than being replaced.

Oliver and Lucy’s bond with Max and grown immensely after doing these things. They needed to feel seen and heard and be NEEDED. Now that Max is starting to cruise around the house and smile and laugh at their silly faces, they can really bond with him and they are absolutely obsessed with him. Plus they are great helpers! And they don’t mind helping with him either, they enjoy it.

Motherhood is hard and there is no right way to do it but that’s where this little community comes in handy. I am so grateful for my online momma tribe. Its a place where I can be free to speak my mom truths and talk openly about my struggles without (too much) hate for it. I am so thankful for each and every one of you who is in this journey with me. 

Whether you found me from this blog or from my Instagram, I'm so thankful you’re here and I hope you stick around. 

Leave me a comment below on how you have managed having a new baby while having other kids at home too and what tips you would give someone who is about to bring their new baby home. I’d love to hear your stories.

xoxo, 

Abigail